Posted by Smoke in

Another wordzzle. For more info, visit the raven's nest. Here goes..

(10 word challenge): alternate reality, shadows, frantic, tomatoes, field, lilies, DVD, snow mobile, aggravation, music

(5 word): grounds for divorce, pink panther, salutations, wavering, lasagne

...I find myself on a desert Island, and to no fault of my own, let me tell you. In an alternate reality, there would probably be some maidens trooping around here somewhere, hiding up a palm tree, or spying on me from the nearby, jungle shadows.

The meaning of this you ask? Well, last Tuesday, Wendy, the bosses Secretary has me on the line and informs me that the boss will grant me a short meeting. something is up, as I never requested any such thing. Immediately, the theme music for the Pink Panther starts playing in my head as I suspect a plot is about to thicken. So I head up to the penthouse office. "He will see you now" Wendy spiels. The oblong framed glasses, tightly buned hair, impaled by Chinese cutlery, and of course the suite. I am sure here apartment has an assortment of Inquisitional devices, and none of them are for the aesthetics. I give a short rap on a slab of what I suspect to be a two thousand year old red wood, and then enter. I am almost disappointed when the door doesn't creek ominously.

"Sit down Mr Monroe, You will have My full attention in a moment." Amazing how he can verbalise a capital. "I believe you know Mr Kent?" I think of the little script I have running on the finance server named DUNE, and I am almost frantic with fear until I remember a certain DVD, containing explicit images that would certainly be grounds for divorce, If the wife of our head of accounting ever saw it. "Of course sir, How is the wife and kids these days? Janette informs me the books keep you in the office, into the wee hours" That should drive it home. "ah.. uhm.. ahum.. Yes, yes, well we tend to keep busy, and my P.A is such a necessity at those times." Janette: aka P.A aka DVD subject #2. "I believe you wanted to see me sir" the sound of honey. " Mr. Kent here was just telling me about the marvelous job you have done over in the east." " An asset to the company,Bob, Was my words." gibbering git. " That will be all Kent, don't let me Detain you." Ten bucks says he is off to security to remove any evidence.

" So Monroe, I seldom do, but I must agree with Kent, Equipping the Sheik's Private hospital, even after the whole Bin Laden debacle, is quite amazing." "Harder than driving a snow mobile out of a viper pit, let me tell you Sir, but not impossible." " Yes, yes. I do believe you have a way with the impossible..." Hold plot over medium heat and stir, and you will see it thicken. "... That is why I want to send you on a two week cruise in the Caribbean, As a gesture of thanks." I look up and wonder If I can see the puppeteer. "Will this trip be business or pleasure, Sir?" " No, pleasure, definitely... But. well, I so happen to be Tee mates with the ship's captain, and he agreed to seat you at his table for the trip, so If you happen to meet, oh, I don't know, The Medical head of the liner, You might have a proposition for him?" And then I was off on my cruise.

Aggravation can only lightly describe what I am feeling. Mr Yeng, my prospective client, has been wavering in his resolve, on and off since I introduced him to Our marvelous range in "mednology" and I suspect other agents are afoot, so I take a chance. "Lets be honest Mr Yeng, I know about the other offer that has been presented to you. I just want to know who they sent." thumbs crossed." Look, Mr. James said I shouldn't let you know about his involvement, but..." Aha! So MEDPRO QS is involved, I thought I spotted James on the Lido deck last night. "Listen to me Yeng, if you look closely at the strawberry field he is offering you, you will in fact find tomatoes. Don't get me wrong, nothing better than tomatoes, same nutritional value as strawberries, but look, passengers come aboard your fleet and expect Strawberries and cream, tomatoes they can have at home." And that was that.

Or so I thought..

Out on the deck, no one in sight, enjoying an after supper smoke. "Salutations Monroe" dripping smugness. "James." I offer in response. "Not the supper I expected on a cruise like this, but I suppose the budget is going elsewhere. Those tomatoes were ghastly, don't you think?" The ball drops. " Look James, Business is business, and I very well enjoyed the lasagne." " I am sure you have, but true, business is etcetera. I will be off then, only, tell me. White or yellow?" " I don't quite Understand?" The lilies I should send for your memorial, enjoy your trip."accompanied by a sudden shove "Huh?" and then I was falling.

Two days later, I washed up on this Island with, ironically, a case of strawberries and no maidens to share it with. Maybe I can build a coconut phone.


Posted by Smoke

This is my first attempt at a WORDZZLE so please bare with me. If you want to join in, these are this weeks words. For those of you new to the game please visit the ever wonderful Raven at http://ravensviews.blogspot.com/

(10 word challenge) space cadet, silver lining, wood, turtle soup, minaret, ice, grease, sales, mandala, mug

(5 word) broken bones, slide rule, garbage, Chinese, sanguine

I barely know what country I am in these days. I have been plane hopping since six months ago and I am beginning to think that getting into sales was not such a create idea. "Go to interesting places, meet interesting people", heck, if I had joined the Army, I would at least have the option to kill them. And the desert countries are the worst. Sand, wind, sun, it is no day at the beach, let me tell you. And I often wonder what a huge chunk of ice would do for this place. I heard they now have an indoor ski resort.The food is the worst. Last night I had what I thought to be Turtle soup, only, I suspect they made it with something out a garbage bin or tortoise, as this is a desert. Also, it went through the system very slowly. I am one who enjoys recognising my food at face value

At least I was set up in a nice hotel. At this point I should mention a certain desert state building shaped like a boat's sail, yes in deed, I could see it all the way from my room's window. At least the Shaik was interested in item #119 LIVER PRO DI-AL 411 a piece of medical equipment so robust, you could install and use it in a cave.

In the here and now, I suspect I am somewhere in the east, well, more east. it seems there is a Minaret spiralling up around every corner from where someone is singing an invite to prayer. Personally, I prefer the Buddhists. A lovely crafted Mandala has always given me that feeling of tranquility and peace. I unload another few units at a government hospital, and head of to my next destination, somewhere Chinese I think, damn.

The problem is this. A year ago I was A tele-sales rep for an art supply company, it didn't end well. Artist are not easy people, especially a space cadet who takes Mary Jane on an Acid trip as a muse,neither are management. My very last call, on my very last day at the company,after only a week, went something like this:
"..Garrett & Wood, purveyors of fine art supplies, how may I help you today?"
"..yes sir, oils, water colours, oil pastels.."
".. definitely sir, framed as well as unframed, fitted to you specification."
"..all colours of course.."
".. jade? Isn't that a kind of green.."
".. but when it comes down to it, it is green.."
"..look, I am new here.."
".. well that may be true.."
".. sure you are, but as I see it, amber and ivory are basically just yellow.."
".. well in fact I don't call it sanguine.."
".. maybe because red doesn't sound like an illness.."

The silver lining came only a few months later with a sales job entailing luxurious international travel, and a mug with a company logo, not bad since the other side reads.. " you dont have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!!.."

I don't think the Chinese take to modern medical equipment to well or anything modern really, well, mostly in the rural country side. their answer to the computer, pocket calculator and slide rule, are all - the abacus. But still they have clients to our company. Even though they mend broken bones with a mixture of yak butter, axle grease and rice stalks, they still need item #316 C.T.H.R.U anti-GAMMA bone density VISTA to locate the fracture.

After a month of sales, I ponder on the advantages of an exotic vacation, some place foreign. My own home should do.

Bobby Danger And the incredible ass hole  

Posted by Smoke in , ,

Now imagine being surounded by the pitch black of night, and the only light visible is a stabbing shaft from above. Now imagine the warm and musty air that reeks of frightened, slightly confused animals. And all this while not wearing any trousers. Im getting ahead of myself, lets go back to the beginning of this day.

I am on my way to work, but not before I drop my car off for some body work. As I check my rear view mirror, I glimps this head disappear behind a bush. I drive futher and spot a different donkey starring at me untill he realises Im looking, he swings around and starts reading a news paper, upside down. So as I approch the entrance to the repair shop, I have to hit the brakes. One of the amizingly suspicious donkeys of the area is crouched down low awaitng my arrival. Im not fazed as I have training for these situations, see, I am...


So I slam the car into reverse and head for the other entrance, only to find three donkeys waiting for me, wearing black berrets and dark glasses. Thats when I start to regret my choices.

None of this was unprovoked see. A few weeks ago the Inspector comes to me and says," Robert, youz know all doze casings of beers we have standing in the back, the ones we get from da raids on the elegal taverns?" the ones I 'disposed' of at my friend Patience's establishment. " Yes sir, what about them?" " Well we just gets some new ones in, so take da lot of thems and go pours them down the drain.." new stock, ka ching "...and I will come checking in on you, so no funny business, Robert" screwed by the man "yes sir, on my way, just one question sir? Does the drain not run out into an open stream where all kinds of animals can access it?" "Dont youz warry bout that my boy, it is only dumb donkeys" And that was the famous last word, long story short, the donkeys took a liking to the booze and when it ran out, they started hassling the locals for more until it got out of hand and some guy got injured, and the donkey become dog food. since then I have been a marked man, as donkeys dont listen to reasoning. Back to today...

At work the boss man informs me of a ring of live stock thefts that has been happening in other policing areas and the suspects has been traced to our area and its for me to find them, or as the Inspector said it.. "you Robert, you must goes and find eiver the thiefs or da animals" and then I was off.

Our information lead me into the nearby mountains, and I have to abandon my vehicle as I can only drive through trees while in a drug altered state of mind, wich is not the current situation. I walk for what feel like miles, which is fine, as I am an outdoors person. I feel as if Bear Grylls is my mentor and I go nowhere without my Zippo or Leatherman. So I am walking when... nothing, well, atleast that is what is underneath my feet, so I drop, down, dow... stop. I find myself hanging upside down, my belt hooked on a branch. I see the ground and it is about four feet down. I undo me belt and I drop again, as I land, I roll and drop again.... Lucky I land on something soft. Well atleast I found the live stock, damn irony.

So here I am, in the present, down a twenty five foot hole. surrounded by about thirty donkeys. Lucky they are not local, wich means my status to them is neutral, or so I thought. I reach for my Zippo, look up, and see it and my leatherman glinting down at me. My thoughts move to Mr. Grylls and realise I cant make a fire using a rock and a donkey, no matter how hard you hit it. And then my world goes black....

I wake up what feels like hours later and find myself at Patience's place. I touch my fore head and it stings, I feel again and find a hoove shaped welt. Apparently, I found the "stolen" donkeys and they were actually an Ass militia rounded up to get me, well now they are fido's lunch. Then Patience found me, and brought me back here. Only one thing left to do...
"Patience, Get the truck, I have some 'disposal of exhibits' to get to."

The spreading of the gospel