Another wordzzle. For more info, visit the raven's nest. Here goes..

(10 word challenge): alternate reality, shadows, frantic, tomatoes, field, lilies, DVD, snow mobile, aggravation, music

(5 word): grounds for divorce, pink panther, salutations, wavering, lasagne



...I find myself on a desert Island, and to no fault of my own, let me tell you. In an alternate reality, there would probably be some maidens trooping around here somewhere, hiding up a palm tree, or spying on me from the nearby, jungle shadows.

The meaning of this you ask? Well, last Tuesday, Wendy, the bosses Secretary has me on the line and informs me that the boss will grant me a short meeting. something is up, as I never requested any such thing. Immediately, the theme music for the Pink Panther starts playing in my head as I suspect a plot is about to thicken. So I head up to the penthouse office. "He will see you now" Wendy spiels. The oblong framed glasses, tightly buned hair, impaled by Chinese cutlery, and of course the suite. I am sure here apartment has an assortment of Inquisitional devices, and none of them are for the aesthetics. I give a short rap on a slab of what I suspect to be a two thousand year old red wood, and then enter. I am almost disappointed when the door doesn't creek ominously.

"Sit down Mr Monroe, You will have My full attention in a moment." Amazing how he can verbalise a capital. "I believe you know Mr Kent?" I think of the little script I have running on the finance server named DUNE, and I am almost frantic with fear until I remember a certain DVD, containing explicit images that would certainly be grounds for divorce, If the wife of our head of accounting ever saw it. "Of course sir, How is the wife and kids these days? Janette informs me the books keep you in the office, into the wee hours" That should drive it home. "ah.. uhm.. ahum.. Yes, yes, well we tend to keep busy, and my P.A is such a necessity at those times." Janette: aka P.A aka DVD subject #2. "I believe you wanted to see me sir" the sound of honey. " Mr. Kent here was just telling me about the marvelous job you have done over in the east." " An asset to the company,Bob, Was my words." gibbering git. " That will be all Kent, don't let me Detain you." Ten bucks says he is off to security to remove any evidence.

" So Monroe, I seldom do, but I must agree with Kent, Equipping the Sheik's Private hospital, even after the whole Bin Laden debacle, is quite amazing." "Harder than driving a snow mobile out of a viper pit, let me tell you Sir, but not impossible." " Yes, yes. I do believe you have a way with the impossible..." Hold plot over medium heat and stir, and you will see it thicken. "... That is why I want to send you on a two week cruise in the Caribbean, As a gesture of thanks." I look up and wonder If I can see the puppeteer. "Will this trip be business or pleasure, Sir?" " No, pleasure, definitely... But. well, I so happen to be Tee mates with the ship's captain, and he agreed to seat you at his table for the trip, so If you happen to meet, oh, I don't know, The Medical head of the liner, You might have a proposition for him?" And then I was off on my cruise.

Aggravation can only lightly describe what I am feeling. Mr Yeng, my prospective client, has been wavering in his resolve, on and off since I introduced him to Our marvelous range in "mednology" and I suspect other agents are afoot, so I take a chance. "Lets be honest Mr Yeng, I know about the other offer that has been presented to you. I just want to know who they sent." thumbs crossed." Look, Mr. James said I shouldn't let you know about his involvement, but..." Aha! So MEDPRO QS is involved, I thought I spotted James on the Lido deck last night. "Listen to me Yeng, if you look closely at the strawberry field he is offering you, you will in fact find tomatoes. Don't get me wrong, nothing better than tomatoes, same nutritional value as strawberries, but look, passengers come aboard your fleet and expect Strawberries and cream, tomatoes they can have at home." And that was that.

Or so I thought..

Out on the deck, no one in sight, enjoying an after supper smoke. "Salutations Monroe" dripping smugness. "James." I offer in response. "Not the supper I expected on a cruise like this, but I suppose the budget is going elsewhere. Those tomatoes were ghastly, don't you think?" The ball drops. " Look James, Business is business, and I very well enjoyed the lasagne." " I am sure you have, but true, business is etcetera. I will be off then, only, tell me. White or yellow?" " I don't quite Understand?" The lilies I should send for your memorial, enjoy your trip."accompanied by a sudden shove "Huh?" and then I was falling.

Two days later, I washed up on this Island with, ironically, a case of strawberries and no maidens to share it with. Maybe I can build a coconut phone.

This is my first attempt at a WORDZZLE so please bare with me. If you want to join in, these are this weeks words. For those of you new to the game please visit the ever wonderful Raven at http://ravensviews.blogspot.com/

(10 word challenge) space cadet, silver lining, wood, turtle soup, minaret, ice, grease, sales, mandala, mug

(5 word) broken bones, slide rule, garbage, Chinese, sanguine



I barely know what country I am in these days. I have been plane hopping since six months ago and I am beginning to think that getting into sales was not such a create idea. "Go to interesting places, meet interesting people", heck, if I had joined the Army, I would at least have the option to kill them. And the desert countries are the worst. Sand, wind, sun, it is no day at the beach, let me tell you. And I often wonder what a huge chunk of ice would do for this place. I heard they now have an indoor ski resort.The food is the worst. Last night I had what I thought to be Turtle soup, only, I suspect they made it with something out a garbage bin or tortoise, as this is a desert. Also, it went through the system very slowly. I am one who enjoys recognising my food at face value

At least I was set up in a nice hotel. At this point I should mention a certain desert state building shaped like a boat's sail, yes in deed, I could see it all the way from my room's window. At least the Shaik was interested in item #119 LIVER PRO DI-AL 411 a piece of medical equipment so robust, you could install and use it in a cave.

In the here and now, I suspect I am somewhere in the east, well, more east. it seems there is a Minaret spiralling up around every corner from where someone is singing an invite to prayer. Personally, I prefer the Buddhists. A lovely crafted Mandala has always given me that feeling of tranquility and peace. I unload another few units at a government hospital, and head of to my next destination, somewhere Chinese I think, damn.

The problem is this. A year ago I was A tele-sales rep for an art supply company, it didn't end well. Artist are not easy people, especially a space cadet who takes Mary Jane on an Acid trip as a muse,neither are management. My very last call, on my very last day at the company,after only a week, went something like this:
"..Garrett & Wood, purveyors of fine art supplies, how may I help you today?"
"..yes sir, oils, water colours, oil pastels.."
".. definitely sir, framed as well as unframed, fitted to you specification."
"..all colours of course.."
".. jade? Isn't that a kind of green.."
".. but when it comes down to it, it is green.."
"..look, I am new here.."
".. well that may be true.."
".. sure you are, but as I see it, amber and ivory are basically just yellow.."
".. well in fact I don't call it sanguine.."
".. maybe because red doesn't sound like an illness.."
".. BECAUSE I AM NOT A PRETENTIOUS ..."
"..I DON'T CARE WHO YOU CALL.."
".. OH YOU ARE, WELL IN THAT CASE MR. WOOD.."
".. WELL YOU CAN'T.."
".. BECAUSE I QUIT.."

The silver lining came only a few months later with a sales job entailing luxurious international travel, and a mug with a company logo, not bad since the other side reads.. " you dont have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!!.."

I don't think the Chinese take to modern medical equipment to well or anything modern really, well, mostly in the rural country side. their answer to the computer, pocket calculator and slide rule, are all - the abacus. But still they have clients to our company. Even though they mend broken bones with a mixture of yak butter, axle grease and rice stalks, they still need item #316 C.T.H.R.U anti-GAMMA bone density VISTA to locate the fracture.

After a month of sales, I ponder on the advantages of an exotic vacation, some place foreign. My own home should do.

Now imagine being surounded by the pitch black of night, and the only light visible is a stabbing shaft from above. Now imagine the warm and musty air that reeks of frightened, slightly confused animals. And all this while not wearing any trousers. Im getting ahead of myself, lets go back to the beginning of this day.

I am on my way to work, but not before I drop my car off for some body work. As I check my rear view mirror, I glimps this head disappear behind a bush. I drive futher and spot a different donkey starring at me untill he realises Im looking, he swings around and starts reading a news paper, upside down. So as I approch the entrance to the repair shop, I have to hit the brakes. One of the amizingly suspicious donkeys of the area is crouched down low awaitng my arrival. Im not fazed as I have training for these situations, see, I am...

BOBBY DANGER: RURAL POLICE

So I slam the car into reverse and head for the other entrance, only to find three donkeys waiting for me, wearing black berrets and dark glasses. Thats when I start to regret my choices.

None of this was unprovoked see. A few weeks ago the Inspector comes to me and says," Robert, youz know all doze casings of beers we have standing in the back, the ones we get from da raids on the elegal taverns?" the ones I 'disposed' of at my friend Patience's establishment. " Yes sir, what about them?" " Well we just gets some new ones in, so take da lot of thems and go pours them down the drain.." new stock, ka ching "...and I will come checking in on you, so no funny business, Robert" screwed by the man "yes sir, on my way, just one question sir? Does the drain not run out into an open stream where all kinds of animals can access it?" "Dont youz warry bout that my boy, it is only dumb donkeys" And that was the famous last word, long story short, the donkeys took a liking to the booze and when it ran out, they started hassling the locals for more until it got out of hand and some guy got injured, and the donkey become dog food. since then I have been a marked man, as donkeys dont listen to reasoning. Back to today...

At work the boss man informs me of a ring of live stock thefts that has been happening in other policing areas and the suspects has been traced to our area and its for me to find them, or as the Inspector said it.. "you Robert, you must goes and find eiver the thiefs or da animals" and then I was off.

Our information lead me into the nearby mountains, and I have to abandon my vehicle as I can only drive through trees while in a drug altered state of mind, wich is not the current situation. I walk for what feel like miles, which is fine, as I am an outdoors person. I feel as if Bear Grylls is my mentor and I go nowhere without my Zippo or Leatherman. So I am walking when... nothing, well, atleast that is what is underneath my feet, so I drop, down, dow... stop. I find myself hanging upside down, my belt hooked on a branch. I see the ground and it is about four feet down. I undo me belt and I drop again, as I land, I roll and drop again.... Lucky I land on something soft. Well atleast I found the live stock, damn irony.

So here I am, in the present, down a twenty five foot hole. surrounded by about thirty donkeys. Lucky they are not local, wich means my status to them is neutral, or so I thought. I reach for my Zippo, look up, and see it and my leatherman glinting down at me. My thoughts move to Mr. Grylls and realise I cant make a fire using a rock and a donkey, no matter how hard you hit it. And then my world goes black....

I wake up what feels like hours later and find myself at Patience's place. I touch my fore head and it stings, I feel again and find a hoove shaped welt. Apparently, I found the "stolen" donkeys and they were actually an Ass militia rounded up to get me, well now they are fido's lunch. Then Patience found me, and brought me back here. Only one thing left to do...
"Patience, Get the truck, I have some 'disposal of exhibits' to get to."

Its true, came Xmas day, I found a USB modem with hsdpa capability under the tree from mother.
Her only condition was one good blog a month, or was it a week? Anyway, this wont be it.

Up till know I have been using a sub standard Internet connection, so when I received this technological wonder, I was truly hyped and thankful, not only do I have access to super fast Internet, but also, its free for the next two years.

Now I have used a similar connection while visiting mom, so I thought I knew what I was getting myself into,
then I went home!

So I fire the old notebook up, connect and install the modem, and take a sho' left onto the information super highway, only to find not only that I left the map at home, but also the spare wheel and the Motor.

The problem is coverage, the main Cellular network provider in Azania is Vodacom and they are subsidised by Vodafone. We get three basic connections. GPRS(a 1100 Honda), EDGE(the same Honda, with alloy wheels and a sound system) and 3G/hsdpa(BMW M3 GTR).
I connect and find I only get EDGE, so I walk around a bit and nothing happens. I then go to Vodacom's coverage map, and after 15 minutes of zooming, I find my hometown, now EDGE is shown in green and 3G in red, only to find my area is in the green with scattered showers of red.
I then zoom onto my home and I realise I have been screwed big time.

According to the map, the Red only starts about 100 meters(300ft) away from my house. I don my hiking boots and off I go with laptop in hand to hunt the elusive hsdpa. I'm walking and monitoring at the same time when I strike gold, or Cyan, as the modem indicates hsdpa.
The problem is I'm not even close to a house and I am standing in the middle of a train track!!
If I move off the track, I lose my baby, and to make it worse is that the train passes every hour or so.

Plan of action? to contact the service provider and complain, but only in February, as we don't want to attract their attention just yet. Why? well my brother in law's girlfriend is currently in Australia, and for some reason he is making international calls to her at local rates.

Enough said.

We are going to have a baby. OK, so I have known this for the 30 odd weeks, so I'm writing about it.
Its a boy, thank goodness, only one penis to worry about. Anyway, I am extremely excited, even though it doesn't show.

This is my second child and my wife's first. with my daughter, I was over shadowed by an over zealous, unbearable, bible thumping, "mother-in-law" (thank Om I never married that girl). anyway, ultra sounds and all round dad things was not allowed (teen pregnancy), so this is my first real pregnancy.
My wife is probably the luckiest women in the world, as morning sickness, nausea and heartburn missed her. Only now, is she getting some pains as the body is adapting, but that's it.

Only thing is that it is getting unbearable and baby must come out soon as she is very uncomfortable. The other day she mentioned to me the first 10 things she will do when baby is born.

Here follows the list in no particular order:

1. Sleep on her stomach

2. Roll around effortlessly on bed

3. Have a pain free stretch in the morning

4. Bend over and touch feet

5. Care for her own feet again without struggles

6. shave her legs as soon as she can reach.

7. Have a drink again (she refused to have any alcohol during pregnancy)

8. Eat sushi (as you are not allowed to have raw fish while pregnant. the fact
that before, she had never ate sushi, is irrelevant)

9. Have a super pain killer that will get all the pains, as the ones allowed while pregnant is SHITE

10. Then Start the rest of her life, loving the baby.

Until then, I will Keep you updated.

Sir Richard Brandson, I want to congratulate you on the empire you have created. And on all the amazing feats you have accomplished. You are one of the few modern day men who has found his place in history. After this technological age has passed and Al Gore has hit the delete key on his keyboard to wipe out the internet. And after the American football team beat Brazil, Germany, Italy and Portugal in consecutive Fifa world cup finals, which will cause Hooligan International to take to the streets and burn down all libraries and book stores, then you would still be remembered. As for me, I am a lowly blogger from sunny South Africa, who has but only accomplished to stay alive.

I will now tell you a bit about myself. I am a humble Government employee who earns nearly enough to get by monthly. Yet still I choose excelance. For instance, I spent a great part of my income on purchasing a Leatherman multi tool, I was willing to spend it, as I knew I was paying for quality and service, as this product has a hassle free 25 year warranty, just the other day I sent it away for minor repairs and servicing, and it only cost me postage. I also own a few Zippo lighters, and again they dont come cheap, but they also have a life time garantee, so if they break I get them repaired or replaced, free of charge. The cellphone I use, a Nokia, the model I use was a bit pricy, but the multi functunality of it makes it worth it.

Terry Pratchett once wrote of Samual Vimes' boots. It went like this. A rich man can afford sturdy expensive boots, that would keep his feet dry for years, which would cost him, lets say, $50 dollars every 7 years. A poor man, who can only afford those $10 boots, would not only have to replace them every year, but would also have constant wet feet. Which only mean that the rich man would save and get richer, and the poor man wont. Now this makes sence to me. So why am I adressing you on this matter?

Well, I have for about two years now, been using one of your products here in South Africa, and that is, Virgin Mobile SA. When first it arived, I thought to myself: "that Richard Brandson, he has his head straight on, feet firmly planted." and then I saw the rates. It was incredible, data charges, nearly free, text, virgin to virgin, dirt cheap, and to top it all, at the end of each month, you even gave me free airtime. So before you can say,"nice salt and pepper sellers, can I steal them?" I went over to Virgin mobile. Now as I am one for simplicity, I use my phone for everything, especially the internet. So I was surprised one day to find the proverbial honeymoon to be over. The network would be down, more often than not, airtime wouldnt load via mobile banking etc etc. All these problems where docking up, but my wife and I, we though, "nah, teething problems, theyre still young, and atleast their call center operators dont try to get frisky." so we hang in there. But low and behold, it still went on.

And now, two years later, here we are today. My wife is now 24 weeks pregnant and has to drive about 30 kilometers to work at about 06:30 in the morning on a rural road. Lucky she drives with people from work. So she tries to text my and... Message fails, she tries again and again and again, to no preveil. So she tries to phone and again, nothing. Then she contacts the sort me out centre, only to recieve an automated message telling her to try again in 2 hours as they only open at eight. She did that, only she kept getting disconnect. I try to phone and text and I have the same problem. So now I am thinking, "what if she was travelling alone, and something happended?" Well. On the weekend we will be porting our Numbers back to the more expensive, more reliable network, have I mentioned they have 3G and hsdpa.

You see, I missed the plot, rather pay more and have the knowledge that you would get service, than taking the bargain that might just cost you dearly. Mr Brandson, sorry, Sir Brandson, it would be nice if I could challenge you to come to South Africa for a month, and in that time, use only virgin mobile SA for all your data needs, telephony, internet, etc. I would even go so far as to wager 10% of my monthy income, against 10% of yours. Hey, if it costs me R700 (about £70) to get you to fix your product, it would be worth it. What do you say? Are you up for a challenge?

PS:Before anyone burns down my blog, I know it is Branson and not Brandson