We are going to have a baby. OK, so I have known this for the 30 odd weeks, so I'm writing about it.
Its a boy, thank goodness, only one penis to worry about. Anyway, I am extremely excited, even though it doesn't show.

This is my second child and my wife's first. with my daughter, I was over shadowed by an over zealous, unbearable, bible thumping, "mother-in-law" (thank Om I never married that girl). anyway, ultra sounds and all round dad things was not allowed (teen pregnancy), so this is my first real pregnancy.
My wife is probably the luckiest women in the world, as morning sickness, nausea and heartburn missed her. Only now, is she getting some pains as the body is adapting, but that's it.

Only thing is that it is getting unbearable and baby must come out soon as she is very uncomfortable. The other day she mentioned to me the first 10 things she will do when baby is born.

Here follows the list in no particular order:

1. Sleep on her stomach

2. Roll around effortlessly on bed

3. Have a pain free stretch in the morning

4. Bend over and touch feet

5. Care for her own feet again without struggles

6. shave her legs as soon as she can reach.

7. Have a drink again (she refused to have any alcohol during pregnancy)

8. Eat sushi (as you are not allowed to have raw fish while pregnant. the fact
that before, she had never ate sushi, is irrelevant)

9. Have a super pain killer that will get all the pains, as the ones allowed while pregnant is SHITE

10. Then Start the rest of her life, loving the baby.

Until then, I will Keep you updated.

Sir Richard Brandson, I want to congratulate you on the empire you have created. And on all the amazing feats you have accomplished. You are one of the few modern day men who has found his place in history. After this technological age has passed and Al Gore has hit the delete key on his keyboard to wipe out the internet. And after the American football team beat Brazil, Germany, Italy and Portugal in consecutive Fifa world cup finals, which will cause Hooligan International to take to the streets and burn down all libraries and book stores, then you would still be remembered. As for me, I am a lowly blogger from sunny South Africa, who has but only accomplished to stay alive.

I will now tell you a bit about myself. I am a humble Government employee who earns nearly enough to get by monthly. Yet still I choose excelance. For instance, I spent a great part of my income on purchasing a Leatherman multi tool, I was willing to spend it, as I knew I was paying for quality and service, as this product has a hassle free 25 year warranty, just the other day I sent it away for minor repairs and servicing, and it only cost me postage. I also own a few Zippo lighters, and again they dont come cheap, but they also have a life time garantee, so if they break I get them repaired or replaced, free of charge. The cellphone I use, a Nokia, the model I use was a bit pricy, but the multi functunality of it makes it worth it.

Terry Pratchett once wrote of Samual Vimes' boots. It went like this. A rich man can afford sturdy expensive boots, that would keep his feet dry for years, which would cost him, lets say, $50 dollars every 7 years. A poor man, who can only afford those $10 boots, would not only have to replace them every year, but would also have constant wet feet. Which only mean that the rich man would save and get richer, and the poor man wont. Now this makes sence to me. So why am I adressing you on this matter?

Well, I have for about two years now, been using one of your products here in South Africa, and that is, Virgin Mobile SA. When first it arived, I thought to myself: "that Richard Brandson, he has his head straight on, feet firmly planted." and then I saw the rates. It was incredible, data charges, nearly free, text, virgin to virgin, dirt cheap, and to top it all, at the end of each month, you even gave me free airtime. So before you can say,"nice salt and pepper sellers, can I steal them?" I went over to Virgin mobile. Now as I am one for simplicity, I use my phone for everything, especially the internet. So I was surprised one day to find the proverbial honeymoon to be over. The network would be down, more often than not, airtime wouldnt load via mobile banking etc etc. All these problems where docking up, but my wife and I, we though, "nah, teething problems, theyre still young, and atleast their call center operators dont try to get frisky." so we hang in there. But low and behold, it still went on.

And now, two years later, here we are today. My wife is now 24 weeks pregnant and has to drive about 30 kilometers to work at about 06:30 in the morning on a rural road. Lucky she drives with people from work. So she tries to text my and... Message fails, she tries again and again and again, to no preveil. So she tries to phone and again, nothing. Then she contacts the sort me out centre, only to recieve an automated message telling her to try again in 2 hours as they only open at eight. She did that, only she kept getting disconnect. I try to phone and text and I have the same problem. So now I am thinking, "what if she was travelling alone, and something happended?" Well. On the weekend we will be porting our Numbers back to the more expensive, more reliable network, have I mentioned they have 3G and hsdpa.

You see, I missed the plot, rather pay more and have the knowledge that you would get service, than taking the bargain that might just cost you dearly. Mr Brandson, sorry, Sir Brandson, it would be nice if I could challenge you to come to South Africa for a month, and in that time, use only virgin mobile SA for all your data needs, telephony, internet, etc. I would even go so far as to wager 10% of my monthy income, against 10% of yours. Hey, if it costs me R700 (about £70) to get you to fix your product, it would be worth it. What do you say? Are you up for a challenge?

PS:Before anyone burns down my blog, I know it is Branson and not Brandson

They say, the difference between men and boys are the size and price of there toys. Well it is true, as happy as I am with the grown up life, I often wish I was still nine years old.

I love toys, all kinds of toys and I have a few, but I have also a list of toys that I want. So here follows the two lists:

TOYS I HAVE.
1. a YOKOMO YR-4 M2 PRO r/c racing model with a 1965 Shelby Mustang GT 350 body shell, painted in gold with black Ford racing stripes. It runs a 23T racing motor of unnamed origin.
2. a TAMAYA midnight pumpkin of which I replaced the standard 540 motor with a TAMAYA 23T super stock RZ electric motor.
3. A have a GWS chopper, that I am still learning to fly, hence it is currently stored in various pieces, waiting for repairs.
4. I have a collection of about 40 lead-cast Marvel figurines. Containing, Spiderman, X-men, Fantastic 4, Avengers, and Marvel Knights caracters.
5. I am the proud owner of an OLYMPUS OM-1 MD 35mm SLR camara. With that I have an assortment of filters aswell as a 200mm lens.
6. I have a small collection of ZIPPO lighters and wish to grow that. I currently have 5 Zippos and unfortunately, none earlier than 2000.
7. Then I have a RIZLA + concept, that is the fancy name for a cigarette rolling machine. I often enjoy a self rolled smoke, and I blend my own tabacco with cherry or rum and maple.

TOYS I WANT.
1. a Digital SLR camara. Maybe a Canon 50D, but im not fussy. With that I want a decent zoom lens.
2. a Tattoo kit. The machines, autoclave and the works. Tattooing is a career I hope one day to follow.
3. a Scale train set. We use to have one hanging in the garage when I was a kid, and when it came down in the holidays, my friend and I would spend hours playing on it. It was about two meters by one meter, but had three tracks, a mountain, a tunnel and a lake. My father built it and it was grand. I truly hope to grant my children that same pleasure some day.
4. modeling and prototyping equipment. As in small scale CNC, and hand injection molder.
5. Lastly, the one, most out of reach is a full scale Shelby Mustang. This is the one big dream and I will save it for my mid life crisis one day.

You may have learnt something about me here or you may not have. I just felt like sharing.

Yes it is true people, but only in my opinion. And not for the reasons you are thinking of. No. The reason is...
THRILLER!

To be 100% honest, of all the M.J songs I have heard in the last twenty odd years, Thriller was not one of them. In fact, I have heard the song for the first time, only in the past few years. Now I am not a big M.J fan, so it is understandable.

So now you must be wondering, "what is so bad about Thriller?" Well, the dance is. Sure, it looked great way back in the music video, I suppose, but the problem is, these days you cant fling a midget without hitting a group of people spontaneously bursting into zombies.

And the worst part of it is, Most of the freaks doing it, only heard of M.J as recently as his hearings. So please, for the love of all that is sane and good. If you have to burst out into spontaneous sincro dancing, try the Macarena, or one of the Highschool Musical numbers. Thats what they are there for. But please, I urge you. Don't befoul a legend. If you think it is cool, well, it is not, especially for the reason you are doing it. No matter how good you do it.

I’m not usually up to speed this early in the morning, especially not at work, but I got to bed early last night and the boss isn’t here today, or so I thought. “ Robert”, how he gets away with that accent, I just don’t know. “yes inspector! Thought you would be out for the day?” I chirp confidently. “youz would like that very much soz you can dig in my fings hey?” “Would never dream of it sir” because I did that two weeks into the job. “Was just wondering sir…” he cuts me off “I has a very important job for you today laaitie” no doubt the cleaner can do it. “youz know the room we put da riot gear in…” “We have riot gear?” “Ha ha, not yet, but as soon as you cleans the old toilets out, we will also have a place to put them, you are going to meet a whole new range of orgasm today.” “you probably mean organisms sir” “sis man, we can’t use words like that boy, the community will hear you.” What a wanker “yes sir, no sir, sorry sir.” “So get to it, and don’t take all day.” “No sir, may I use your nose as a broom sir?” “What did you say?” “The room sir, can I hose down the room?” to loud I think “yes man, but be fast.”

The inspector is a funny sort of person, he has been in the police for ever and the new rules never got through to him for some reason. He is a traditionalist Afrikaner and is quite set in his ways. He has a great moustache that gave me the impression, the first time I saw it, of a magician doing the nail in the nose trick, with a broom handle. He is a fair, though paranoid man and seeing that he hasn’t come to terms with modern day policing, is probably the best candidate to head up this small township police station seeing that we are only ten members.

I am Sergeant Robert Dan Anger or as I like to think of myself…

BOBBY DANGER: RURAL POLICE.

I feel no confidence in attempting my given challenge, as I’m sure ‘they’ will be watching. Yes, the rats. Or to drive it home… “THE RATS” creepy music in the background included. You see, this is no place for policemen, or anyone not sufficiently armed. The three most dangerous things in this township are, in no particular order, rats, chickens and donkeys. The water comes in a close fourth. The rats here carry automatic rifles and move about like trained commandos. I once watched a rat run under the roof at full speed, bracing it self between the wall and roof beam, with nothing but a seven foot drop beneath it. I actually sprayed it with pepper spray, and you know what it did? It welcomed the fiery juice with a gapping mouth. The chickens are even worse. The other day I was patrolling, only to stop for the foul creature to, of all things, cross the road. And what did I see dangling from the bird’s mouth? One of Rambo’s rats. True story. The donkeys I can’t even think about. That is a whole other story.

So, being the brave and duty driven individual that I am, I check the room for rats and donkeys, give the all clear and slip the cleaning staff a twenty to finish the job. So before you can say “ where did he go?” I am out of there for a drive, a smoke and some free time. Hey, it’s a tough job, but someone else can always do it.

Before I start, a few words.

LOCATION: Black settlements outside towns introduced by the apartheid government. The name is still being used and is often referred to as 'kasi'

KGOSHI: the tribal king to the area, that is still used. They have a direct link to government.

INDUNA: the tribal chief to a village. He is the direct link to the Kgoshi.

SANGOMA: a traditional healer that find their roots in ancestral tradition.

INYANGA: very much the same as sangomas but are usually associated with magic.

SHABEEN: an illegal or unlicensed drinking place. The name is of an Irish origin.

K.B: this is the local name for traditional beer, brewed from Sorgum. I enquired from one of the locals what K.B stands for and he informed me it stands for "kaffir* beer"

TAXI: this is nothing like the New York or London variety. This is actually a mass transport system that makes use of mini busses.

SPAZA: these are small home based tuck shops that sells mostly bread cigarettes and sweets.

* KAFFIR: this is an apartheid era word of a derogatory nature, and you could actually land in jail for using it in its insulting form. It seems to be used as a joke among locals in some situations.




I work in deepest darkest Africa. In a village that is part of a location, outside a town in the Limpopo province, a mere 300km north of the bustling metropolis of Johannesburg, South Africa.

The location is called Mahwelereng. This is a rich, vibrant town, that plays home to a predominant black community. It is also the heart of the surrounding rural, tribal villages that are ruled over by the Kgoshi. Mahwelereng as a town is fairly urbanised and was at one time home to a then Glorious, now abandoned Hotel, which I could only imagine, played host to swinging 40's styled parties. But that is a whole different blog on its own.

Now Tshamahanzi on the other hand....

...Rich and vibrant are words you could use to describe it, but only if you are the kind of person who uses the word cheese to describe the moon and flat a word for the world. You see, Tshamahanzi was built on the side of hill in the middle of the bush, and as legend has it, it was done in quite a hurry. Apparently,and this is just rumoured, a few years ago ( between 30 and 60 years ago ) the people of Moshate village, home to the throne, went to the Kgoshi and complained about the Tsonga/Shangane people, who at that time lived there. The Moshate people was mostly BaSotho and BaPedi and they were not happy with the Shangane culture of traditional "magic" and there Sangomas and Inyangas. So to halt the threat of violence, the Kgoshi arranged for a place for the Shangane people, in the distant mountains. The place now known as Tshamahanzi.

Tshamahanzi as a village, is governed under three Indunas. The village has one clinic and six schools, both primary and secondary. Even though this is such a poor community, there are a generous amount of taverns and shabeens, as drinking seems to be a favourable past time. You can buy your pint of "K.B" at most of them.

Transportation consist mostly of taxis and donkey carts. There are, the employed and richer individuals, who own cars but not that many, as this is a largely unemployed community.

Infra structure are on the rise. As all homes have access to electricity even though electric cables are sometimes stolen for the sale of copper. Some houses now have direct water access though many households still depend on the good old wheelbarrow and water drums at the communal taps. The main road that runs around Tshamahanzi, has only recently been upgraded to tarmac. Gravel roads, often rocky, are still being used. The one thing this rural village still lacks is a working sewerage system. Outside Pit toilets are still being used even though it poses a health risk.

Tshamahanzi is home not only to the shangane, but to a few ethnic groups. Legal as well as illegal foreigners make there homes here, including Zimbabwean, Nigerian, Somalian and Indian nationals. The latter two groups mostly own or manage the few larger shops in Tshamahanzi, though you will find plenty of spazas owned by the locals. These shops are highly successful as the people don't always have the means to travel the twenty odd kilometres to civilisation. These shops stock everything, from everyday groceries to building supplies and equipment. Livestock is found in the form of donkeys, cattle and goats and it shouldn't be strange to find any of them moving freely on the streets. Often you find corn crops growing in back yards as Many of the locals are substance farmers. It is usually cheaper to grow your own then to buy maize meal.

I come to work everyday and sit in my little caravan to listen to the problems of these people. It is mostly serious but often there are the silly ones. Their issues are sometimes more important to them, than I would think. But I have learned to be patient with them even after communication has broken down, we still find a way to a solution.